It was 4:30 AM in Copenhagen. I was awake, and restless, my girlfriend was sleeping soundly in the bed. I thought I would read for a bit.
The woman had started journaling early in life, nearly every day since her early teens. I had been to her parent’s home, and there were shelves and shelves of journals. She always told me there was nothing private about them, if I ever wanted to pick one up and glance through it, go ahead.
I was never tempted. People deserve a certain amount of privacy, even in a relationship or marriage, I believe.
But here was I, bored out of my skull, and here was her journal, sitting beside me on the nightstand, and I picked it up, leafed through a few pages, nothing very interesting, til I came to one of the most recent entries, she had apparently written on this trip. We were supposed to be working Northern Europe and Scandinavia, and were employing all manners of transportation, lots of trains meant lots of idle time, and she had apparently used the time to write about me, and us.
We were at a very advanced stage in our relationship, “the beginning of the middle” she called it (stupid me, I didn’t realize if there was a beginning and a middle, something came after that!). We talked a lot about how we were going to live our lives together, and where, and about children, and the things passionate couples talk about.
In her journal entry, she talked about how I was very nearly perfect for her. My zest for life (some others would argue with that these days!), my passion for her, for us together. She loved my cooking, my stories, my writing. She said that maybe she had met the “first man ever who didn’t want to OWN her.” And apparently that was important.
And then came the “buts….”. “If only he had ‘this trait’ or ‘that trait’ or ‘did this’ or ‘did that’ like (naming other past loves).
I didn’t realize at the time that ‘wishing’ was a lot different that actually ‘wanting’ or ‘expecting’. And so I was terribly hurt reading these passages. To me, they said she loved me, but she still hung onto certain aspects of others.
I left the room, the sun was coming up, and walked for hours. I went to the harbor and sneered at the Little Mermaid statue. From there I went to a pub for an eye opener (yes, I used to drink like a fish).
By mid-morning, somehow she had found me, astonishing since she had no idea where I had gone. But we used to be able to do that do each other. We could sense each other’s presence, and that always fascinated me.
I told her why I was hurt, and she told me why that was silly.
I didn’t believe her, but I understand now what she was saying. I almost walked away from her permanently that day, and maybe I should have, maybe I shouldn’t have.
Here’s the point: In life, relationships, business, jobs, some people hop around and around, looking for something “better”, and always clinging to the hope that there is something “better” out there. Or perhaps they are encouraged by friends that “you can do better” or you “deserve better”, and you believe them and embark on that quest, often leaving people, places, or opportunities behind that maybe shouldn’t have been left behind. They say “time answers all questions” but to me, it never does, it just leaves you with even more questions.
Human beings make mistakes. They aren’t perfect. No one is. Someone may be 70% good, and 30% not so good. Every one of us has good and bad qualities.
Your friends or family may tell you “never settle.” But you know what? Life is about settling, really. You may call it something else – compromise. Or comfort. Or whatever.
In the end, a person, a situation, an opportunity doesn’t necessarily have to be “perfect.” They only have to be perfect for you.
That’s how I see it.