(Apologies En Masse to the Women in My Life)

With you, I made the mistake of assuming that most people desire to better their positions in life; there are two mistakes in that premise:  1) that my definition of “better” is the correct one, and 2) that simply, some people don’t.   I held on to that belief far too long, when all the signs showed you were ready to move on, I just couldn’t let go.

With you, I made the mistake of being TOO kind and loving.  Instead of being a selfish bastard and holding on to you for dear life, I encouraged you to grow and fly.  And you have, and you are an amazing woman, and I think of you every day.

With you, I mistook lust for love.  You were, and remain, the most beautiful, desirous woman I have ever know, and it didn’t help that I had known you for decades, that helped build up an unsatisfied fervor in me.  I gave up way too much to satisfy my carnal desires, and that was a mistake.  I miss your passion.

With you, I thought we were just playing, and you didn’t.  I didn’t see those signs from you.  The fact we were on opposite sides of the planet didn’t help.  I cancelled a trip to be with you, meet your family, and you took that to be the end, and that’s what it became.

With you, I also didn’t hear what you wanted, and was deaf to your needs.  Life would have turned out considerably different for both of us had I been listening.  I had a chance to rectify it later, and I did not.  I can’t tell you why, but I am sorry.

With you, we were engaged in a power play to manage ‘us”.  We never recognized it while we were in it.  We were two powerful people, neither willing to give an inch.  We even had to both control managing the end.  To get in the last word.  To plunge the final knife.

With you, I failed to recognize the unconditional love you had for me, and like all foolish greedy people, wanted more in life that just that.  Most adults spend their entire lifetimes looking for that, I had it, and I threw it away.

With you, it was another time in my life where I wasn’t paying attention, or you assumed I knew what you were thinking, as you didn’t verbalize it.  And so our divide came, with a whimper and not a bang.  You saw an opportunity to repair that years later, but still hadn’t learned to speak up, and I came in and out of your life as I had done before.  I apologize for hurting you twice.  You are a wonderful person, and you don’t deserve the pain I caused you.  We would have had a great life together.

With you, I don’t know what went wrong, I’ve never been sure anything went wrong between you and I, so much as between your father and I.  Ultimately, you married the man he chose for you, and it went poorly. I wonder what our life would have been like without his interference?  We’ll never know, and you are content to leave it in the past, tho others encouraged us to try again.

I’m judgemental, I admit it.  I wasn’t aware of how
judgemental I have been until recently. I was brought
up to believe I was “special” (not entirely a bad thing),
and this can lead to a certain air of superiority whether
one deserves it or not.

Some people say I exude this naturally, that it’s not
in the way I look, act, or speak, but rather just a projection of confidence and experience.

Some people find this reassuring.  People with low self-esteem do not; they tend to find it repressive and intimidating (there, see, I am being judgemental again!).

I used to firmly believe that I respected everybody’s right
to be whomever they wanted to be, and do whatever they wanted to do, with the following important caveat:  “AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T HURT ANYBODY.”

I guess age or experiences have tempered that feeling a bit, we can insert “MOST” before who people want to be and what they want to do.

But more solidly than ever, I maintain the right to keep the caveat, and it has grown stronger over the years.  AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T HURT ANYBODY.

Now that phrase, in itself, could be called judgemental all on it’s own, as people are going to have different definitions of “hurt.”

I guess my criteria is, or hopefully, and should be, “common  sense.”

Regardless of our upbringing, when we become adults, we all have a sense of “right and wrong” when it comes to dealing with people, unless we are mentally ill.

I hereby give the entire world permission to live whatever life they want, and do whatever they want to do, as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody.  Especially me.